


set fire to the time

by carrieevew



Series: in these words I want to hear a heartbeat [4]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bellarke Bingo, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Late Night Conversations, Nightmares, Season/Series 06, Speculation, excessive touching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-06-25 10:16:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19743649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carrieevew/pseuds/carrieevew
Summary: after getting her body back, Clarke tries to figure out how to go on. Bellamy helps.





	set fire to the time

**Author's Note:**

> you know, i've actually had it mostly planned out after i finished the last part but the the last episode happened and my little au became simultaneously wildly canon divergent and shockingly accurate, so i had to rethink it a little bit. and that took an age. in the meanwhile, i received my [Bellarke Bingo](https://bellarkebingo.tumblr.com) card and some of the prompts worked quite well.
> 
> so now, here we are, the final part of this series. a bit of this has been inspired by [this post](https://nvermindiseeyou.tumblr.com/post/186115311209/bellamy-hands-so-ive-talked-about-this-a-few). 
> 
> title from _[O Wolności](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjEntiHpP1M) _by Hunter__
> 
> hope you enjoy it!

Trusting Gabriel was a strange thing.

Yes, Clarke was grateful to him for his help in saving her, she knew he had every reason to choose Josephine over her but he kept his word and she was free. But that gratitude was not the reason why she found it unnervingly easy to go against her instincts and tell him all about the chip she took in Polis and how it was the reason Gabriel's serum didn't work on her.

He was the man who created the procedure that nearly wiped her from existence and here she was, giving him everything he needed to improve on it.

From everything Clarke saw in Josephine's memories, she knew that Josephine hated Gabriel for leaving her and working against her and everything she believed in for decades. But Clarke also knew that the trust she now felt for the man in front of her wasn't her own.

She was in the middle of explaining to Gabriel how she and her mother created the nightblood coursing through her veins when sounds of a scuffle coming from the hallway interrupted her. Clarke tensed momentarily when she heard the muffled shouts and bodies clashing against each other but her shoulders dropped, relaxed, when she recognised one of the voices as Bellamy's.

Only for a moment though, because then she remembered _cracked ribs_ and _collapsed lung_. She jumped out of her seat and flew out of the room, ignoring Gabriel's confused expression, him already rising in alarm as well.

Clarke race towards the voices and as she got closer, the conversation-- _argument_ , actually, became clearer.

"—and let go of me!"

She caught the last of Bellamy's shout when she rounded the corner and stopped abruptly at the scene in front of her.

Two of Gabriel's guards were holding on to Bellamy's bare arms, the bandage around his naked chest was loose and started to unwrap revealing bruises upon bruises and a small dressing covering the mark left by the needle they used to reinflate his lung. His hair was plastered to his head, wet from sweat that was running down his face and over his clenched jaw.

His eyes swept over the hallway and Clarke's breath hitched when she saw the murderous look in his eyes but when his gaze finally landed on her, he just--stopped. He stopped struggling against the guards and deflated, slumping against the men, who suddenly went from holding him back to holding him up.

Clarke ran up to him, her hands going to his sides, trying to fix the bandages but stopped when she heard Bellamy's hoarse voice.

"Clarke?"

She looked up at him and her throat closed up, almost choking on unshed tears. His eyes were searching her face with so much hope in them that Clarke's own eyes filled with tears and all she could do was nod jerkily.

By then, the guards had released his arms because Clarke felt them enveloping her shoulders, pulling her in in a tight hug, his head dropping into the crook of her neck. Her own arms wrapped around Bellamy's back, her palm splayed across his warm skin.

"I woke up and you were gone," he whispered into her neck and Clarke shivered when she felt his warm breath against her skin. "I thought--"

He stopped himself before finishing the sentence but when he pulled away from her to look at her, Clarke saw his fears painted all over his face. Fears that made him get out of his bed and chase across this strange place barefoot. She moved her left hand from his back to cup his cheek and Bellamy nuzzled against it.

"I'm here," she said, voice tight. "I'm fine."

They stayed like that, unmoving, just looking at each other, with his arms still around Clarke, not letting her move away, not that she wanted to. Not even when the guards stepped away from them and walked over to explain the situation to Gabriel, who had caught up to them by now.

Clarke would've happily stayed like that for hours, days even, but Bellamy stumbled on his feet and when Clarke's arms tightened around his middle when she help him up, he let out a long wheeze into her hair. The guards were back by their sides, ready to help him up, but Bellamy didn't let go of her.

"Come on," she coaxed him gently. "You shouldn't be up yet."

Bellamy's grip on her relaxed and he took a step back, straightening as much as he could. Clarke's hands dropped to his waist now and she saw him wince when they brushed against his bruised ribs. She tried to let go of him completely but couldn't bring herself to actually do it, not when Bellamy looked at her like he wanted to beg her never to leave his side again.

In the end, Clarke manoeuvred herself around him so that Bellamy was leaning on her, one of the guards helping them from his other side and they followed Gabriel back into the infirmary.

Bellamy's burning gaze never once left her.

***

Three weeks passed since then and finally, they were done.

Holding Josephine's mind drive hostage and using her safety as a bargaining chip to convince the Primes to let go of their people and help them build their own compound after all wasn't Clarke's favourite method but it worked. Especially once Diyoza casually reminded everyone that Eligius IV was still a mining ship, with mining equipment, including just about enough explosives to level Sanctum's princess castle to the ground.

It'd been three weeks since the drive had been removed from her head and this was the first night that Clarke tried to go to sleep without the help of sedatives.

The first week was almost easy. With their return to Sanctum and the whirlwind that followed, Clarke was so exhausted that falling asleep was easy enough and since she only ever had the time for quick naps, she was getting up before any dream had a chance to form anyway.

When the spot for their new home was chosen and they landed the whole Eligius ship to oversee the construction, Clarke finally had the chance to go to sleep through the whole night.

The nightmares came that very first night.

Clarke couldn't remember exactly what she dreamt about, only bits and pieces of lives that weren't hers. Not every memory was a bad one but they all kept waking her up gasping and on edge, not able to relax until she remembered that she was alone in her head now. After the third time, Madi got up from her own bed and laid down next to Clarke, hugging her sideways but all it did was make Clarke feel incredibly guilty in the morning, when she saw the dark shadows underneath her daughter's eyes and Clarke knew Madi never even tried to sleep, just kept watching over Clarke.

In the morning, Clarke went to see Jackson and asked him for something to help her sleep. It was the last thing she wanted--the grogginess, confusion and the feeling like she was losing control over her body, it reminded her too much of laying paralysed on the table in the Primes' lab, essentially waiting for death. Even with the smallest effective dose, Clarke hated everything about taking the sedatives. Everything, except for the fact that it was the only thing that could knock her out for six blissful, dreamless hours.

The first time Clarke looked at the pill and didn't feel apprehension, only relief, was also the last time she allowed herself to take it. Becoming addicted and following her mother's path scared her more than whatever nightmare she could have. After all, those were nothing new to her.

Clarke went to bed that night late enough that she fell asleep as soon as her head hit her pillow and slept for almost two hours, before the memory of falling out of the window shocked her awake. She looked over at Madi but the girl was still asleep, so Clarke tried again.

The next one came quicker and was different. Instead of reliving Josephine's memories, she saw Madi, strapped to the examination chair, screaming and crying, while Russell approached her with the serum.

Clarke nearly fell out of bed waking up from that one. She knew it wasn't real, that it never happened but Clarke still had to fight the urge to go to Madi and wake her up just to see if she was okay.

That used to be Josephine's favourite torture - sitting in front of a mirror, telling Clarke about all the things she could do to her loved ones and reminding her how powerless she was, how unable to stop her. Madi was the easiest target but not a very useful one, not when Clarke knew that she was too young to be able to sustain the mind drive, so Josephine moved on to others.

She would walk around the room filled with people with a knife hidden in her sleeve, knowing that even if Clarke managed to break through and regain control, she wouldn't be quick enough for her to stop Josephine from killing someone, not when she was on guard and ready to fight against Clarke.

Clarke woke up three more times that night, each time from a vision of someone else she cared about dead by her hand, before she gave up. By some miracle, she managed to stay quiet enough that she didn't wake up Madi, so she picked up her boots and tip toed out of their room.

Seeing Bellamy's body slumped against the wall opposite her door nearly killed her. She took a deep, shuddering breath, as if she was going to start screaming, but no sound came out. She just stood her, frozen in place and breathing shallowly. She made herself take a step closer and then another. She knew she had to check in on him but the vision of his blood on her hands after she stabbed her in her dream was still fresh in her memory and for the longest moment, she was too terrified to find out if he was okay.

The soft snore that he let out felt like a slap to her face, snapping her out of her stupor.

Clarke closes the distance between them and feel to her knees in front of Bellamy, dropping her boots with a _thud_ that echoed in the empty hallway. Bellamy jerked awake at the sound, his hand going to his side to grab at the gun before his eyes focused and he recognised her.

Clarke put her palms on the floor and dropped her head. Bellamy rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and straightened against the wall, grunting when he moved his right leg.

When she saw him massage around the newly-healed wound, Clarke’s hand jerked to touch his thigh but she stopped herself, moving away from him to sit on her heels instead.

She looked at him, hair in a mess, eyes bleary and a small crease pressed onto his cheek from when it rested on his shoulder.

“Bellamy, what are you doing here?” she asked quietly.

“I can’t sleep in my room, it’s too far away,” he said, his deep, hoarse voice sending chills down Clarke’s spine.

“Too far from what?” she asked in a small voice and watched as Bellamy ran his hand through his hair. It hit her that she’d never seen him like that before—sleepy, unfocused, off-guard.

Bellamy moved around so that his knees were drawn up, elbows resting on his thighs. He looked at Clarke and took a deep breath.

“The last time I let you out of my sight, you were taken. I can’t—” He cleared his throat opened him mouth but stayed silent, just shaking his head.

“Every time I close my eyes, I see Russell telling us that you’re gone. Or Josephine, trying to figure out how to exorcise you from your own head. I know we have guards at the entrance to the ship but all this time, I just couldn’t stay in my room.”

Clarke wiped the stray tear that rolled down her cheek and shifted on her knees so they were touching Bellamy’s feet. She put her hands on his knees and rose up, so her eyes were on the same level as his face. Bellamy looked at her with so much openness and vulnerability that Clarke’s heart jumped to her throat.

She took one of his hands and squeezed tightly. She wanted to tell him that everything would be fine and that she was okay but she couldn’t actually say it. They may have been at peace with the Primes for the moment but that only held because they held Josephine hostage and threatened annihilation. And truth be told, Clarke wasn’t okay, either.

Gabriel assured her that whatever brain damage she sustained, wasn’t extensive and the effects of that shouldn’t be long-lasting. But not-long-lasting didn’t mean they weren’t there. Technically, all her knowledge and memories were still in place. Clarke was able to recognise everyone she was supposed to and after a few days spent with Jackson in medical, she knew her skills, limited as they were, were undamaged.

Some emotions, however, were missing. The big relationships were still there but as she walked around the ship and looked at the faces surrounding her, she often found herself at the loss. She looked at the people who came down with the Ark or Grounders she met before the bunker was sealed and she felt nothing towards them. She spoke to the Eligius prisoners who cheered when Diyoza electrocuted her and while she knew she should hate them for it, those feelings simply weren’t there. It reminded her of her father, when he explained to her how the Ark’s archives worked, how the system searched for files that weren’t used in certain amount of time and automatically removed that data from main servers and put them into auxiliary storage instead. She couldn’t help but wonder how much longer did she have before she lost those important things. How much longer did Josephine need before Clarke lost Raven or Murphy. How long before she started to feel nothing when she looked at her mother or Madi? Or Bellamy?

Clarke swallowed heavily and moved her hand on Bellamy’s so that he could hold her as well. And then another thought popped into her head.

“Wait, you said _all this time_. You mean you’ve been sleeping here for two weeks?!” Clarke whisper-shouted but Bellamy only shrugged one shoulder lightly and nodded. “You can’t—Bellamy, you’re still healing, you shouldn’t be sleeping in this position! Or on the cold floor. You won’t ever recover properly if you don’t take care of yourself!”

Clarke went on on her whispered tirade and nearly missed the soft smile that formed on Bellamy’s face. It made her stomach flip-flop and when he grabbed her other hand and wrapped his fingers around hers, she felt the warmth of his touch spreading throughout her entire body.

She should’ve told Bellamy to go back to his room, she knew that. But she’d never felt safer than she did when she was with him and selfishly, she wanted him to stay as close to her as possible, too.

“You could come sleep with us,” she suggested shyly and blushed when Bellamy’s eyebrows jumped up his forehead. “I mean, we have a couch. Kind of. It’s more like a very wide chair but it reclines and it’s not that bad.” Clarke rambled on. Bellamy smirked at her. “Well, it’s definitely better that the floor,” she finished quietly.

Bellamy didn’t say anything for long enough that Clarke started to consider crawling back to her room and hoping to convince him in the morning that he dreamed this entire conversation but finally, he took a deep, shaky breath and answered “Yeah, okay.”

Clarke stood up and outstretched her hand to help Bellamy up. She snickered when she heard his joints popping when he got up his feet but Bellamy sent her an unimpressed glare and nudged her with his elbow.

“Don’t laugh,” he muttered, “I am 150 years old, we’ll see how spry you are when you are my age.”

Clarke had to clasp her hand over her mouth to stop herself from laughing out loud.

Later that night, when Bellamy finally managed to stop fidgeting on the chair and fell asleep, Clarke was laying on her bed, staring at the ceiling. She was still a little afraid to just close her eyes and try and go to sleep when Bellamy started snoring lightly. Just a tiny rumble every now and then but listening to it finally lulled her to sleep. She still dreamed someone else’s dreams but this time, they were calmer and she managed not to wake up until morning.

The very next afternoon, Miller helped Bellamy drag the bed from his room and shove it into the corner of Clarke and Madi’s room. Even when they moved some things around and got rid of a couple of useless chairs, it was still cramped beyond belief and privacy became practically non-existent but Clarke couldn’t find one single bone in her body that minded it.

***

The construction of the dome went quickly and within a month, the Eligius ship was surrounded by a force field; now it was up to them to build their own houses. The mining equipment worked like a charm and the workers, eager to get out of the freezer that housed them for over two centuries, were doing an unexpectedly good and quick job of constructing communal buildings.

One night, after a shift in medical, Clarke found herself a ramp over the main corridor of the ship with a view out of the main window and began spending a big portion of her evenings watching the people from above.

It wasn't that she didn't want to join in but after the years spent in Eden, she wasn't used to such a crowd anymore. And besides, she was still getting small, annoying headaches every now and then, and staying away from the noise helped her deal with them.

That day, the headache was different though, it felt more like her head was spinning from the whirlwind of thoughts. Tomorrow, they would give back Josephine's mind drive back to the Primes and Gabriel asked if they could do it instead. He was still a traitor to the Sanctum and Clarke understood why he wanted to stay as far away from Russell as possible.

She did not expect Gabriel to hand over the drive to her, though.

It'd been burning a hole in her pocket throughout the entire day and Clarke could barely focus on her job.

She was holding it in her hand now, turning it around over and over. It was cleaned after it was removed from her but there were still some black stains in the infinity symbol etched on top of the drive and she couldn't help but wonder if that was her own blood. She rubbed at the symbol and closed her eyes. Even with her knowledge of Becca's technology, it still felt unbelievable that something so small could hold an entire person--lifetime upon a lifetime of memories and experiences. 

Clarke was so focused on the drive that the sounds of some approaching didn't even register until they had already climbed up the ladder to her ramp and were getting closer. She tensed for a moment until she recognised the heavy gait.

She smiled to herself and looked up to see Bellamy lower himself to sit on her left. He grunted when he unfolded his legs and dangled them over the ledge, his knee bumping into Clarke's. Her left hand automatically went up to his thigh, gently rubbing the muscle around the scar tissue, her right still wrapped around the drive.

"Your mother's looking for you," Bellamy said in lieu of a greeting.

Clarke sighed deeply. Her mother was doing what she could to reconcile with her but to be honest, sometimes Clarke found it difficult to even be around her. After finding out that Abby sold the nightblood solution to the Primes for a mind drive for Kane and then actually went on with the procedure, Clarke was devastated. She couldn't forgive her mother for doing to someone else what was almost done to her.

She wasn't the only one, either. Kane was still unable to get used to his new body, couldn't get over the knowledge that the reason he had it in the first place was because someone else had been wiped out of existence and he couldn't even look at Abby.

Yes, Clarke was worried for her mother--that she would relapse and this time, she wouldn't even try to get better. But at the same time, Clarke couldn't look her in the eye without remembering that once the shock passed, she wasn't all that surprised that her mother sacrificed an innocent life like that and decided to help the Primes keep up their tradition.

"I told her you were done with your shift and she agreed that you needed the rest so you should probably have until morning before she comes looking again."

Clarke squeezed his knee and hummed in agreement and opened up the hand holding the chip. Bellamy froze by her side and she could feel his burning gaze at the side of her head.

"No one would blame you, if you just dropped it right now," he said in a purposefully light voice but his breath was strained at the end of the sentence.

"Yeah, I know. But I don't--" Clarke took a deep breath and looked sideway at Bellamy. His brow was furrowed, eyes pointed at the drive in her hand. "Somehow, this is still a person. I don't forgive her for what she tried to do, or Russell, but I'm free now. Destroying the drive now would mean killing her in cold blood and I don't want to do that. I don't ever want to do that."

Clarke's voice hitched and her eyes filled with tears. She was doing that a lot lately, almost crying for no reason and she wasn't quite sure why. Bellamy wrapped his arm around her shoulders and held her close to his side. Clarke tucked herself against him, a few tears wetting his shirt but he didn't care, just tightened his hold on her even more. She put the drive into her pocket and nuzzled into his side.

They sat like that for a long while, just being with each other like they never had a chance to do before, Bellamy's fingers drawing lazy patterns on her arm, her right hand bunched into his shirt.

"Clarke, I--" he said finally and cleared his throat. He straightened his back and Clarke untangled herself from him, leaning away so she could look at his face. Steely resolve painted his features but his left hand was twitching at his side.

Clarke reached over and when he felt her fingers brush his palm, he grabbed onto her hand, squeezing hard. Bellamy swallowed hard and Clarke looked at him with a frown, not knowing what was going on.

"Clarke, I nearly lost you. Again."

"I'm okay, Bellamy," she interrupted but didn't say anything else, not when she saw the look in his eyes.

"You almost died not knowing how much I--" His fingers squeezed hers even tighter but she was so mesmerised that she didn't even notice.

"I love you," he finally said and Clarke stopped breathing for a moment. Tears fell down her face and she lifted her hand from Bellamy's knee to wipe them away, chuckling.

"I didn't think _brain damage_ affected tear ducts but hey, we learn something every day," she joked lamely and Bellamy huffed a small laughter.

Clarke wiped her hand on her trouser leg and brought it up to Bellamy's face, cupping his cheek. She ran her thumb over his cheekbones and the side of his face. Bellamy closed his eyes and he let out a content sigh. Clarke shifted so she was facing him and reached up to press her lips to his. Bellamy's eyes snapped open in surprise and he smiled such a beautiful smile that Clarke couldn't help but reciprocate. Bellamy moved his arm from around her shoulders and put his hand on the back of her neck, bringing her in for another kiss, this one longer and more heated.

Clarke opened up for him when he deepened the kiss and let go of his hand to wrap both her arms around his neck. When they finally pulled away, both panting and grinning like idiots, she weaved her fingers into the hair at the back of his head.

She scratched lightly at his scalp and the deep, rumbling moan that Bellamy let out shook her entire body. Clarke felt his free hand reaching for her waist and when his warm fingers dug into the soft flesh of her waist, heat pooled low in her stomach. She dropped her head onto his shoulder and took a deep breath. She turned her head slightly to the side so that her mouth grazed the scruffy hair under his chin.

"I love you, too," she whispered into his neck and pressed a soft kiss to his pulse point, inhaling his scent.

She was finally home.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you liked this! thank you so much for reading. comments and kudos will be welcomed like manna ;-)  
> and come find me on tumblr @[carrieeve](https://carrieeve.tumblr.com), we can cry and scream together.


End file.
